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CursedDarkness

Random Jokes/Memes

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Okay looks like I'm first:

1)When Nasa first began sending astronauts into space, they were confronted by a small problem. Their standard ballpoint pens would not work in space. They spent a decade and 1 hundred million dollars designing a pen that would work below three hundred degrees, in space, and on glass.
Russia used a pencil.

2)A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

 

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1)-Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?

   -My name is Paul

2)My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

3)-What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
   -Snowballs.

4)Sleep with an open window tonight!

1400 mosquitos like that. 420 mosquitos commented on it. 210 mosquitos shared this.

One mosquito invited for the event. 2800 mosquitos will be attending the event.


 

 

 

 

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The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is stupid
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.

 

 

Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

 

 

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

 

 

Teacher:¨Are you sleeping in my class¨?
Student:¨Well now I´m not but if you could be a little quieter I could¨

 

 

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Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them. He says, to the first Priest," I'm Jesus Christ." The Priest replys," No son, you're not!" So he says to the second,"I'm Jesus Christ." He says,"No, son, you're not." The drunk says," Look I can prove it." He takes the two Preists into the bar.
The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says," JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"

 

A husband tells his wife, "Since it is your birthday, remember that yellow Lamborghini that you really wanted?". The wife screams in joy and starts crying tears of joy. Then the husband says, "Well I got you a toothbrush, same color".

 

Kid threw the butter out the window, he wanted to see a butterfly.

 

Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with "t".
Pupil: Today and Tomorrow

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Conversations between father and his daughters.

6-year-old: *fast forwards all the way throu a movie*
Me: You can't just skip to the happy ending.
6-year-old: I don't have time for problems.

~~~~~~

3-year-old: You got lots of letters from your friends.
Me: They're bills. They want money
3-year-old: You need better friends.

~~~~~~

Me: Harry Potter can use magic to fix his glasses.
6-year-old: Why doesn't he use magic to fix his eyes?
Me: *questions everything I know*

~~~~~~

3-year-old: Can we have a birthday cake?
Me: It's not your birthday.
3-year-old: The cake won't know.

~~~~~~

4-year-old: Can I have candy?
Me: What did Mom say?
4-year-old: No.
Me: So why would I let you?
4-year-old: She is not the boss of you.
It's a trap.

~~~~~~

My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.
I gave 0 birth and I don't fit in my pants from March.

~~~~~~

Me: Can you come over here, princess?
5-year-old: Dad! I am too old to be a princess!
Me: Then what should I call you?
5-year-old: The queen.

~~~~~~

Me: What did you do at school?
5-year-old: Nothing.
Me: How can you be there all day and do nothing?
5-year-old: What did you do at work?
Touché

~~~~~~

Me: Someday you will have feelings for boys.
6-year-old: I already have feelings for them.
Me: Really?
6-year-old: They make me mad.

~~~~~~

Random Internet Guy: You're not famous for making good content. You're only famous for having cute kids.
Me: To be fair, I made them, too.

~~~~~~

PS: Just to clarify: This is not me and my childrens.

 

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Limited Knowledge
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
"You can’t do that," argued my four-year-old.
"Don’t worry. Santa will never know."
He shot me a look. "So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?"

Santa Speak
Q: What is Santa’s primary language?
A: North Polish.

Addicted to Christmas

 

Q: How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
A; He was hooked on trees his whole life

Kung Fu Santa
Did you hear that Santa knows karate?
He has a black belt.

Good Luck Getting Grumpy to Make Toys
Q: Why does Santa have elves in his workshop?
A: Because the Seven Dwarfs were busy!

The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus

 

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[bed time]
Me: Your Mom told you to stay in bed.
3-year-old: There's a scary monster in my closet.
Me: Scarier then Mom?
3-year-old: *goes to bed*


Son: Am I adopted?
Me: Not yet.


Son got scholarship on University. Dad said "Of course. You have my brains", Mom said "She must, I still have mine."


I am single. My Mom said: "If you feel lonely, dim the light and put on a horror movie. You won't feel like you're lonely anymore."


My kids watch Food Network and beg me to let them cook. Why can't someone start Laundry Network? Or Vacuuming Network?

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